Saturday, November 5, 2011
This week holding myself together has been really...hard. The last few days especially. Nothing out of our busy-life ordinary has happened. No major tragedy or unexpected (or expected) unhappiness has occurred (unless you count that unplanned $650 car repair). If anything I've found myself having a few great moments of simple satisfaction. But there is something that I seem to keep grappling with or searching for that just seems to be. just. out. of. reach.
I remember once helping with a column for my high school newspaper about the top ten things you can do with duck tape. I'm wishing a little silvery tape would hold me together when at any moment it physically feels like I might just fall apart.
On Thursday night I told my husband that I need something that I can be really good at. I've spent a lot of my life able to do a huge number of things, none of them exceptionally well--one of those jack of all trades master of none. But wouldn't it be nice to know that I'm really, really good at SOMETHING? In retrospect, though, I wonder if I feel that way because I've let myself drift off course a little and have been caught up in the idea that other's validation might bring me up a little. Still...
I just finished reading a fun blog post of a friend who had just finished a beautiful creative project. In the comments section her mother wrote a hearty congratulations to whom she called her talented and creative daughter. For a moment I so wanted that compliment to be mine. Too bad I don't have a lot of attention span for doing crafty projects.
I do recognize that there are things I am good at. I'm a really good story teller when I can stay awake to read to my kids. I'm a pretty good public speaker. I'm not so bad at teaching early morning seminary. I'm excellent at making sure I get to the temple every month.
But here's where I start to fall apart. It's the every day things that need my constant time and attention. I am realizing more and more that for as happy and beautiful as my growing up experience was, there are a few fundamental life skills that I don't have. Like, oh, housekeeping. And this really bogs me down. How does one simply get things done. You'd cringe if you knew how long it has been since I mopped my kitchen floor. I'm a piler-er. Things get shuffled in to piles all around the house instead of really being put away or beng tossed out.
Most draining is just being exhausted and unmotivated. I'd so much rather go take a nap than tend to the laundry or the dishes or the toys (who wouldn't!) Most days I just give in and take a nap and then have no clean clothes or clean dishes and still no motivation.
The other day a funny cartoon made its way around Facebook. It was a picture of a woman looking haggard sitting on the table in her doctor's office. The doctor is looking at her chart and says "What you have is a bad case of motherhood." When I look around, how is it that it seems I am a little more haggard than most. I know. I know. There is no good in comparing. But, I want to know how they do it! What are they doing that I'm not that I could learn from?
Forgiving me if this post is a little of a downer. I've had a flood of things on my mind this week and here it all comes spilling out. I used to walk with a friend of mine a couple of times a week before she moved. We'd call them our therapy sessions. Since that outlet isn't available, the great wide world of blogging gets to be my shameless therapy. That and a roll of duck tape might just come in handy.