Hummm.
I remember once helping with a column for my high school newspaper about the top ten things you can do with duck tape. I'm wishing a little silvery tape would hold me together when at any moment it physically feels like I might just fall apart.
On Thursday night I told my husband that I need something that I can be really good at. I've spent a lot of my life able to do a huge number of things, none of them exceptionally well--one of those jack of all trades master of none. But wouldn't it be nice to know that I'm really, really good at SOMETHING? In retrospect, though, I wonder if I feel that way because I've let myself drift off course a little and have been caught up in the idea that other's validation might bring me up a little. Still...
I just finished reading a fun blog post of a friend who had just finished a beautiful creative project. In the comments section her mother wrote a hearty congratulations to whom she called her talented and creative daughter. For a moment I so wanted that compliment to be mine. Too bad I don't have a lot of attention span for doing crafty projects.
I do recognize that there are things I am good at. I'm a really good story teller when I can stay awake to read to my kids. I'm a pretty good public speaker. I'm not so bad at teaching early morning seminary. I'm excellent at making sure I get to the temple every month.
But here's where I start to fall apart. It's the every day things that need my constant time and attention. I am realizing more and more that for as happy and beautiful as my growing up experience was, there are a few fundamental life skills that I don't have. Like, oh, housekeeping. And this really bogs me down. How does one simply get things done. You'd cringe if you knew how long it has been since I mopped my kitchen floor. I'm a piler-er. Things get shuffled in to piles all around the house instead of really being put away or beng tossed out.
Most draining is just being exhausted and unmotivated. I'd so much rather go take a nap than tend to the laundry or the dishes or the toys (who wouldn't!) Most days I just give in and take a nap and then have no clean clothes or clean dishes and still no motivation.
Sigh.
The other day a funny cartoon made its way around Facebook. It was a picture of a woman looking haggard sitting on the table in her doctor's office. The doctor is looking at her chart and says "What you have is a bad case of motherhood." When I look around, how is it that it seems I am a little more haggard than most. I know. I know. There is no good in comparing. But, I want to know how they do it! What are they doing that I'm not that I could learn from?
Forgiving me if this post is a little of a downer. I've had a flood of things on my mind this week and here it all comes spilling out. I used to walk with a friend of mine a couple of times a week before she moved. We'd call them our therapy sessions. Since that outlet isn't available, the great wide world of blogging gets to be my shameless therapy. That and a roll of duck tape might just come in handy.
5 comments:
Oh Chellae. Your most amazing talent has always been loving those around you. Without any judgements. Those beautiful boys of yours matter more than the dishes or scrubbing the floors. Just show them all that love and you'll catch up with everything else when they grow up.
PS - When I was really struggling a few years ago with the same thing, I decided to find something to be good at that would benefit those around me too. So I bake! The boys and John love it, John's coworkers love it, and all of our friends love it. John always says he can tell I've had a good day when there is something cooling on the counter when he gets home.
Chellae, thanks for you post. I have been feeling the same way the last couple of months. I have been really struggling with wanting to be successful at something. Not just successful but "really" successful. It's a struggle for self- validation through my worldly eyes. Sometimes I feel so empty and useless. I have been thankful that Heavenly Father knows me so well because even though my desire to feel successful might be silly, it's important to me so it's important to him. To help with this feeling I decided to start to blog about something I love and try to be as successful with it as I can. It's free, I can do it at home, it motivates me to get my work done so I have time to do it, I have met tons of great ladies who give me that validation, and I have learned lots of new skills like painting, staining, sewing, cooking and photography along the way. I have been feeling a lot better. I talk to Heavenly Father about my blogging because He knows why I am doing it and that it's important to me. He helps me prioritize my life so it never becomes more important than my family and service. In a way, he helps me feel successful about it. I hope that this lengthy and somewhat intruding post helps you somehow. Good luck in your person search for success.
-Stephani-
a.men. the thing is, no one is doing it. no one. at least not all of it. they might get their housekeeping done (seriously, how do they do that!?), but they aren't making it to the temple and teaching early morning seminary and giving their kids 100% attention and, and, and. you just do what you can. and if that means making a pile or two (or 39 in my case), so be it. i loved being in your home. :)
Well, I wish I was doing half as well as you at getting exercise and getting to the temple! But I try not to compare myself to others (except for reassurance that other people struggle too). Hope you find some duck tape that works for you.
Chellae, one of your major strengths is appreciating other people! Seriously. And you've got a zest for life that's contagious. Enthusiasm is to have God (deus) inside of you.
I agree with previous comments. There's no way to do it all--something always gets displaced. These days moms have more possibilities on their "to do" lists than ever. I think the things we DO get done are amazing. Dishes and laundry are patient, for better or for worse. I've been trying to find ways to involve the kids in my everyday things. Hang in there!
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